Moving On: Healing From Healing After Five Years Sober

Skiing down Mt St Helens in 2021 and looking towards the horizon.

Five years ago I decided to stop drinking alcohol. I never imagined where I would be today.

In the past five years, led my first 5.10, led my first 5.11+, climbed a my first Grade IV and V routes, led over 650 pitches of rock, climbed 1000s of feet of alpine rock, became a single pitch instructor,  designed and led a successful recovery climbing program, led my first ice climb, became an instructor for the Mazamas, developed a serious yoga practice, was promoted to Program Coordinator at my dream job, got into the AMGA all women’s affinity Rock Guide Course, and found the love of my life.

I also weathered the pandemic and the loss of my art business, lost part of my vision when my retina detached and had to come to terms with permanently altered depth perception, went through focused therapy for PTSD associated with breaking my leg in 2018, spent four months battling chronic fatigue from iron deficiency anemia, became a recovery mentor and held a lot of space for some seriously hurting people, unexpectedly lost my dream job, experienced a traumatic climbing accident, found a new job working long hours commercially guiding, and made the hard decision to postpone my rock guide course because I was hearing the call of the void while leading.

It’s been a lot. I am tired.

I’m tired of healing, I’m tired of trauma, I’m tired of “being in recovery.”

And you know what? I can move on. I can decide for myself that I no longer identify as ‘in recovery,’ I can just be Sarah. I can recognize that at points in my life, I have experienced pain or unfairness, and I can let it go. I do not need to be defined by, or hold onto my self-limiting beliefs that were born from a place of mental scarcity.

There have been times that I needed help and I sought it. There have also been times I set goals and achieved them. I am ready to move in the direction of achieving more goals.

To be truthful, after my first year of sobriety, I did not experience cravings for alcohol. Once I removed the unhelpful influences from my life, it was easy to fill my cup with joy. It was not until I began working in the recovery field that I felt tested again. My last job required a lot from me. It required me to state publicly that I was ‘in recovery,’ and it boasted that ‘recovery is a lifestyle.’ While I am honored to have been able to facilitate positive climbing experiences that allowed people in recovery to build self esteem and make better choices for themselves, I no longer wish to define myself by the past. 

Growth requires that we let things go. We can’t expand into our higher selves without letting go of the things and beliefs that no longer serve us. At this point, I do not believe I am in recovery, I believe I am Sarah, just chilling and living my life. My intention is to look forward to the rest of my life and live with peace and joy.